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Defense Contractor Humor Date: Sent Wednesday, March 4, 1998 Category: None

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THE NON-STORY OF THE YEAR (RUNNER-UP)

Senator Chuck Grassley (Iowa - R) revealed to the Senate a modest problem in the Defense Department. It seems that, according to the GAO, they have $33 billion dollars they don't know what happened to. "Sec. Perry knows that $33 billion was spent, but he does not know how it was spent. All he knows for sure is that $33 billion went out the door." Sen. Grassley described the Pentagon's check writing machine as "stuck on full power" resulting in overpayments that contractors can't stop. A spot check audit revealed $1.4 billion in overpayments. The mess is so total, the "cost of the bookkeeping cleanup operation could approach the cost of DOD's environmental cleanup operation." That sure looks like a news story to me, but somehow I missed it in the media. (Cong. Rec. 3/22/95)

American Newspeak
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FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLING THIEVES

NEW YORK, NY (DWPI) -- Due to ongoing confusion and cross-purchasing of subsidiary companies in the shrinking defense industry, a major aircraft manufacturer actually bought itself this morning. "Worse yet, it was a hostile takeover," said Prof. P. P. Pencilneck of the Emory State University of Georgia Tech. "And they paid themselves way too much money for what they're actually worth on the market." Wall Street prices for related stocks soared up, crashed, then soared and crashed again. Inside traders referred to this as "the Boeing-Boeing Effect." Said one distraught bondsman, "This is nuts. This is crazy. These guys must be suffering from some kind of military-industrial complex." Company officials were unavailable for comment, having abruptly cashed in all their stock options and purchased an unnamed island in the Caribbean region.

Reported by Rick Albertson
The Daily Weekly, September 4, 1997

Received from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List.