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<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>OK, here we go again. Seeing as how I was born in
Connecticut, grew up in Wisconsin from the age of two, have a great great
grandfather who was Lt. Colonel of the 11th Tennessee Cavalry during the Civil
War (as in, attached to the XXIII Corps, United States Army, helped drive the
rebels out of the Cumberland Gap), and my second cousin is married to the
basketball coach at Ole Miss (he</FONT><FONT color=#ff0000>'s Catholic), I have,
as always, a few things to say about these regionalisms.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Siarlys</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><BR>--------- Forwarded message ----------<BR>From: "The Good, Clean
Funnies List" <<A
href="mailto:gcfl-info@gcfl.net">gcfl-info@gcfl.net</A>><BR>To: <A
href="mailto:jsiarlys@juno.com">jsiarlys@juno.com</A><BR></DIV>
<DIV>Rules of the South</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Right on!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>2. Turn your cap right; your head isn't crooked.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Ditto!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I<BR>drive a
pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow<BR>you drive, you're going to
get dust on your Lexus. Drive it<BR>or get out of the way.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Oh, I used to drive a little ole' Toyota down the
gravel road over the top of Muddy Creek Mountain in West Virginia. A good
rainstorm takes the dust off, if it doesn't flood half the town.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell<BR>like money
to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east<BR>and west, I-65 goes north
and south. Pick one.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Ever wonder why Wisconsin is called the "Dairy State"?
You think all the cows are down in Arkansas? Take I-65 N, (yeah, I know, that
runs through Tennessee, and Alabama - Arkansas is on the other side of the
Mississippi River - its a joke, all right?), then transfer to I-94 West at
Chicago, and get off onto the old federal HWY 41. We'll show you cows. We're
used to the smell too. It beats the smell Gary Indiana used to have, when the
steel mills were still operating.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have<BR>$250,000 cotton
strippers that are driven only three weeks a<BR>year.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>And all the people who used to pick the cotton, before
it was mechanized, are unemployed in Milwaukee since Briggs and Stratton moved
its production operations to China. My car cost $10,000, new. That's why its not
a pick up truck.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being<BR>friendly. Try
to understand the concept.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Up north, that's one of the quaint things about "black
neighborhoods." Everyone waves, or says hello. If you don't wave back, you're
either racist, or about to lose your wallet.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are<BR>coming in, we
WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better<BR>hope you don't have it up to your
ear at the time.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Yeah, like people down south don't have cell
phones.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi<BR>and caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Normal people don't eat raw meat up nawth. I don't eat
crawfish or lobster or arsters.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's<BR>a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first<BR>of November.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Yeah, same here. But the bucks have more points in the
north woods.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,<BR>regardless of
age.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Yeah, I see more of that in the South. But its an easy
vice to pick up.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order<BR>steak. Or you
can order the chef's salad and pick off the<BR>two pounds of ham and
turkey.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Right on!</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:<BR>meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,<BR>pepper, and ketchup. Oh,
yeah ... we don't care what you<BR>folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat
... IT AIN'T<BR>REAL CHILI!!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>That's how I eat. I top it off with a steady desert of
dark chocolate to keep my cholesterol down. You know the definition of chili in
a Mexican dictionary? "A soup found between Texas and New York." Hey, we all
think of Cincinnati as southern, except they also got a lot of German
immigrants, but then, so does Texas. Don't get me started on the Texas
Jewboys.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,<BR>and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,<BR>she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and<BR>have long hair.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Coke is my preference, but friends from North Carolina
prefer Pepsi. Now as for Mary Jane, a friend of mine told me thirty years ago
how this blonde-blue-eyed man from Alabama, accent to match, immaculate crew
cut, was carrying a whole bunch of marijuana on his person, and my friend was
scared to death he'd been in the same room with him, because they could have all
been arrested and he never expected it from a guy who looked like that. I read
somewhere that meth labs are really big in the rural south, and unemployed coal
miners in Kentucky grow Mary Jane in the hollers.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>14. College and high school football is as important here as<BR>the Lakers
and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to<BR>watch.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>I don't watch any of them.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water<BR>hazards -- it
spooks the fish.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Golf? Never touch the stuff.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state<BR>universities,
universities, and vo-techs. They come outta<BR>there with an education plus a
love for God and country, and<BR>they still wave at everybody when they come for
the<BR>holidays.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Dream on.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and<BR>Marines. So
don't mess with us. If you do, you will get<BR>whipped by the best.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Yeah, that was about right before the Civil War too,
but somehow y'all lost anyway. (Maybe because so many southerners fought for the
United States).</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump<BR>mess ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more<BR>than we want to see your
boxers. Refer back to #1.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000>Right on! (I prefer the Carolina Chocolate
Drops).</FONT></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Received from FranCMT2.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
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