Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE! Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... They're cramming for their final exam! Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? I've learned you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to throw something back. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is! I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" At a day-care center, some of the children were talking about their siblings. "My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!" Bad Metaphor/Simile #37: The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia. Bad Metaphor/Simile #587: The information embedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion. Bad Metaphor/Simile #963: From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user. Bad Metaphor/Simile #126: There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done. Bad Metaphor/Simile #412: The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping. The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you." A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the front. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear." A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!" During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!" A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Don't squat with your spurs on. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter? Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit. We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - But Congress can. -- Cullen Hightower "We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." -- Robert Wilensky, University of California If a man talks in the forrest, and no woman hears him....is he still wrong? -- Scott DeLucia, WTAW May those that love us, love us; and those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts; and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. -- Old Irish Toast Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel that you've done a permanent job. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to make out the numbers. -- Mark Twain Procrastinators have the advantage of working with the very latest data available. -- Tom Talley The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? -- Nigel Rees When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" Parenting is like wallpapering--when you know how you are finished! Technology is so helpful and powerful...until someone trips over the electrical cord. If I was able to fix it, it must have been broke! Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun It doesn't matter if you win or lose...until you lose. My job is not all that difficult, but I do have to know the entire alphabet. -- Vanna White A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. -- James Dent A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her. . A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad. . A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?" . A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you." -- Katherine S. Beamer Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one is priceless. Perfection is our goal. Excellence will be tolerated. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- George Burns "The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little." -- Porterfield "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill "In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg "No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan "Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.' Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Doctors can be frustrating. You wait month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner. You read about all these terrorists: most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are 2 days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. For NASA, space is still a high priority. - Dan Quayle The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. - R. Coveyou People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they like. - Nixon Solutions are not the answer. - Nixon A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. - D. Quayle If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. - D. Quayle The future will be better tomorrow. - Dan Quayle Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. - Dan Quayle The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. - Kurt Vonnegut Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. - J. Swift I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Twain "If you don't drink, and you don't smoke, you will die healthy." Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps. Sleep is good. It'll keep you from going psychotic. Every once in a while, it's a good idea to call out "Computer, end program," just to check. - D. Noelle Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. On the Internet, nobody knows I'm a dog. i-before-e rules are weird and unscientific. Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself! I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95 from my hard drive. -HAL 9000 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Yoda of Borg we are, Futile resistance is, Assimilate you we will. /* Halley */ (Halley's comment) A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - Carl Zwanzig Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." - Ashleigh Brilliant I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. - Clarence Darrow I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. - Gallagher Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. - R. Hall The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific. The more I see of men, the better I like my dog. - Pascal If my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name. - Dennis Miller Accountability is getting harder to find than a Sumo wrestler's belly button. - Dennis Miller The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. - Dennis Miller I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. - Dennis Miller A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. - Dennis Miller State Legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office. - Dennis Miller What's this low-blood-sugar insanity plea? What's next? Cuckoo for Cocoa-Cocoa Puffs? - Dennis Miller I was taking a walk yesterday, saw a bald eagle. Well, at least I think he was bald. He was pulling feathers over from one side of his head. - Dennis Miller I'm very paranoid. When I'm driving, I often feel the car in front of me is following me the long way around. - Dennis Miller I think the worst job in the world would have to be bank guard in Alaska. You've got 50 customers in the joint... they're all wearing ski masks. - Dennis Miller It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A group of scientists in Boston announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time. This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show. The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday. Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction. Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag. Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush. On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present. A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up. Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders. Warning label on a drum of industrial-strength detergent: "If you cannot read English, do not use this product until label has been explained to you." A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Actor Mel Gibson on what women want... "After about twenty years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate." Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons quarterback, on the secret of his success: "I have two weapons--my legs, my arms, and my brains." There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary and those who don't. Q. What does it mean when all the socks in the laundry match, with none left over? A. You're now losing them in pairs! When push comes to shove... somebody's gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same thing. According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, leave him alone. He's working out. "The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." It's a beautiful day for a night game. --Frank Frisch, sportscaster. 182,282 miles per second: In isn't just a good idea, it's the law!