If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

- From AZquotes.com

Received from Wayne Onaka.

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