Internet Oracularities #1228, https://internetoracle.org

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words!

Turns out my girlfriend bores the heck out of me. I want to break up with her, but don't want to be rude and tell her that it is only by massive effort of will that I avoid passing out into my gazpacho every time I'm out with her. Please supply me with a more appropriate excuse for the breakup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Been there, done that, got the restraining order.

There are two basic approaches. One, you gently but firmly explain that it's just not working out. Don't offer *any* explanations beyond that at all (and whatever you do, do not let the words "it's not you, it's me" cross your lips). It's not working out, you're sorry, and you wish them well for the future. This method is mature, sensible, and adult and thus it is used in less than 5% of all breakup situations, because there just aren't that many mature adults running around.

The other method, used by immature, neurotic cowards (in other words, people like you and me) is to try and make the other person do the dirty work for you, by being so unattractive, unlikable, or simply weird that they choose to break up with you. Try any or all of the following: eat your gazpacho with your fingers; scream at the waiter that your soup isn't cold enough; or insist on reciting an epic poem about your passionate love for gazpacho.

You may also want to consider the possibility that a variation on this technique is currently being used on YOU. Boring. Good one.

You owe the Oracle a way to tactfully tell someone that they kiss like a drooling goat.

Received from PackyHumor.

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