The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

"Turbulence." This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: "How can I get in on that?"

- From AZQuotes.com

Received from Wayne Onaka.

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