[GCFL-discuss] Re: Some Rules Of Golf

[gcfl-discuss at gcfl.net]

I've been playing for golf a year now, and I'm hooked.
Sorry to those of you that don't know anything about golf,
but I'm going to send a few out that are golf-related.

For those of you that don't get this one, I've added some
explanation. (This is for the editors, but I'm copying
the discussion list too since someone mentioned this funny
there as well.)

> Some Rules Of Golf
> Scheduled for Monday, June 6, 2005
> 
> 1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
> mind during your swing.

Advice for making your golf swing better is abundant, and
it's hard not to get bogged down in all the things you
want to do when you are swinging.

> 2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
> either hit one more club or two more balls.

"one more club" means pick a club that will go further.
The thinking is it's better to hit it too far and miss the
water than to get it in the water. If you hit it in the
water, you have to hit another ball.

> 3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while
> the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you
> can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the
> green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

In other words, don't worry about it.  Only the pros hit
as far as they think they can... and the more you think
you can hit it that far, the better the chances you will
hit it poorly (shank it or top it, or worse).  Remember,
you are already thinking about 300 things.  You can't
afford to think of any more.

> 4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
> share his ideas about the golf swing.

This is a classic cause it's so true!  It's always the
case that the player in the group that is doing the worse
will start giving out advise to the other players on what
they are doing wrong, etc.

> 5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers (even pros) are constantly changing something
about their game in an effort to make it better (even if
it's already good).

> 6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

Cheating in golf is kinda relative. :)

> 7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach
> shot.

You are suppose to replace your divot all the time, but
most people don't think about it when they hit a bad shot.
Some people are doing good not to snap their club in two. :)

> 8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your
> opponent's luck.

A lot of good shots (especially from new players) are just
luck.

> 9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you
> lie.

Kinda like exaggerated fishing stories...

> 10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
> rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

If he's going to break a rule, he ain't going to tell you!

> 11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

A lot of players nonchalantly putt when the ball is 2-3
inches from the hole (thinking how can you miss that).
But, if you somehow DO miss it, it still counts against
you.

> 12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.

If your opponent gets the ball really close, you can tell
him he can have it, and he doesn't have to actually putt
it in.  But if you are still far from the hole, you are
less likely to give your opponent a gimme (unless you are
a nice guy like me).

> 13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
> course is a straight line that passes directly through the
> large tree.

If you get it in the trees, the chance of a tree being in
the way is 99.999%.

> 14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and
> bounces just the way you intended to play it.

If it bounced and it hurts you, it was unfair, but if it
helped you, it was planned. :)

> 15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
> 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.

Goes back to those things that happen when you don't want
them to, but if you actually TRIED to do them, you could
never do it (like hit a 2-inch branch 20 feet away).

> 16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently
> make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
> equilibrium of the universe.

If you do well on a hole, it's very hard not to let it go
to your head and effect the next holes.

> 17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to
> hit just short of a water hazard.

See #2.  Golf balls are like water magnets.

> 18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply
> the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example,
> backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300
> m.p.h.

Good players have a consistent backswing and swing. Bad
players usually don't. The higher your handicap, the worse
you are.

> 19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your
> backswing at the top and checking the position of your
> hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
> the golf glove.

Looking at your hands after you stop a swing doesn't
indicate how you will swing when you don't stop.

> 20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.

Same ideas as the water magnet thing.

> 21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on
> the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

This is actually pretty true even for pros. No one seems
to be able to consistently hit a golf ball straight.  You
have to learn which direction you naturally hit it and
take that into account.

> 22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is
> not yours.

...yours is the one you don't find, or the one deep in the
forest.

> 23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the
> bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

It's better to be on the fringe than the bunker... so of
course you'll be in the bunker.

> 24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the
> footprint.

As if it is not bad enough that you are in the bunker, you
want the bunker to be smooth so it's easier to get the
ball out. Other players are SUPPOSED to rake the bunker to
remove their footprints, but some golfers are LAZY.

> 25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw
> it.

You need to see how it handles being thrown to see if it's
the putter for you. :)

> 26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
> elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that
> allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

Take a golf lesson, learn that you are doing something
wrong, but when you stop doing it, you realize that it
was keeping you from doing a bunch of other things that
you don't want to do.

-- 
Perfection is our goal.  Excellence will be tolerated.

Have a great day and don't forget to laugh!

http://www.gcfl.net (The Good, Clean Funnies List): Good,
clean daily funnies you can safely tell your Mom!