[GCFL-discuss] something to tickle your fancies!

Fri Apr 16 09:08:28 CDT 2004

[Samantha Hazlewood] Some may have been heard before....

 Bible Belters 

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. 

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. 

   ======== 

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. 

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." 

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our  

trespasses." 

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." 

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." 

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.  The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. 

Caution: Do not step in exhaust." 

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? 

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. 

"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked. 

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " 

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." 

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." 

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. 

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" 

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" 

The son replied, "I do know!" 

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" 

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" 

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. 

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." 

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. 

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. 

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." 

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. 

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." 

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." 

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."    And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 

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HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS 

   The Dentist's Hymn:................Crown Him with Many Crowns 

   The Weatherman's Hymn.......There Shall Be Showers of Blessings 

   The Contractor's Hymn:...........The Church's One Foundation 

   The Tailor's Hymn:...................Holy, Holy, Holy 

   The Golfer's Hymn:..................There's a Green Hill Far Away 

   The Politician's Hymn:..............Standing on the Promises 

   The Optometrist's Hymn:.........Open My Eyes That I Might See 

   The IRS Agent's Hymn:.............I Surrender All 

   The Gossip's Hymn:..................Pass It On 

   The Electrician's Hymn:............Send The Light 

   The Shopper's Hymn:................Sweet By and By 

   The Realtor's Hymn:...................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop 

   The Massage Therapists Hymn.......He Touched Me 

   The Doctor's Hymn:......................The Great Physician 

   AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 

   -----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You 

   -----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah 

   -----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee 

   -----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer 

   -----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home 

   -----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home 

   -----Over 100mph.........Precious Memories 

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