[GCFL-discuss] Fw: [GCFL.net] Rules of the South

Fri Dec 4 18:08:04 CST 2009

OK, here we go again. Seeing as how I was born in Connecticut, grew up in
Wisconsin from the age of two, have a great great grandfather who was Lt.
Colonel of the 11th Tennessee Cavalry during the Civil War (as in,
attached to the XXIII Corps, United States Army, helped drive the rebels
out of the Cumberland Gap), and my second cousin is married to the
basketball coach at Ole Miss (he's Catholic), I have, as always, a few
things to say about these regionalisms.

Siarlys

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From: "The Good, Clean Funnies List" <gcfl-info at gcfl.net>
To: jsiarlys at juno.com

Rules of the South

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

Right on!

2. Turn your cap right; your head isn't crooked.

Ditto!

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I
drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it
or get out of the way.

Oh, I used to drive a little ole' Toyota down the gravel road over the
top of Muddy Creek Mountain in West Virginia. A good rainstorm takes the
dust off, if it doesn't flood half the town.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east
and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

Ever wonder why Wisconsin is called the "Dairy State"? You think all the
cows are down in Arkansas? Take I-65 N, (yeah, I know, that runs through
Tennessee, and Alabama - Arkansas is on the other side of the Mississippi
River - its a joke, all right?), then transfer to I-94 West at Chicago,
and get off onto the old federal HWY 41. We'll show you cows. We're used
to the smell too. It beats the smell Gary Indiana used to have, when the
steel mills were still operating.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only three weeks a
year.

And all the people who used to pick the cotton, before it was mechanized,
are unemployed in Milwaukee since Briggs and Stratton moved its
production operations to China. My car cost $10,000, new. That's why its
not a pick up truck.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.

Up north, that's one of the quaint things about "black neighborhoods."
Everyone waves, or says hello. If you don't wave back, you're either
racist, or about to lose your wallet.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

Yeah, like people down south don't have cell phones.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

Normal people don't eat raw meat up nawth. I don't eat crawfish or
lobster or arsters.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first
of November.

Yeah, same here. But the bucks have more points in the north woods.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.

Yeah, I see more of that in the South. But its an easy vice to pick up.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.

Right  on!

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... we don't care what you
folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!

That's how I eat. I top it off with a steady desert of dark chocolate to
keep my cholesterol down. You know the definition of chili in a Mexican
dictionary? "A soup found between Texas and New York." Hey, we all think
of Cincinnati as southern, except they also got a lot of German
immigrants, but then, so does Texas. Don't get me started on the Texas
Jewboys.

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,
she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and
have long hair.

Coke is my preference, but friends from North Carolina prefer Pepsi. Now
as for Mary Jane, a friend of mine told me thirty years ago how this
blonde-blue-eyed man from Alabama, accent to match, immaculate crew cut,
was carrying a whole bunch of marijuana on his person, and my friend was
scared to death he'd been in the same room with him, because they could
have all been arrested and he never expected it from a guy who looked
like that. I read somewhere that meth labs are really big in the rural
south, and unemployed coal miners in Kentucky grow Mary Jane in the
hollers.

14. College and high school football is as important here as
the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to
watch.

I don't watch any of them.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish.

Golf? Never touch the stuff.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state
universities, universities, and vo-techs. They come outta
there with an education plus a love for God and country, and
they still wave at everybody when they come for the
holidays.

Dream on.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get
whipped by the best.

Yeah, that was about right before the Civil War too, but somehow y'all
lost anyway. (Maybe because so many southerners fought for the United
States).

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
mess ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more
than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

Right on! (I prefer the Carolina Chocolate Drops).

Received from FranCMT2.

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