[GCFL-discuss] Fwd: FW: History

[Discussion of the Good, Clean Funnies List]

Well done John!
~Lance
On Tue, Jan 13, 2009 at 7:23 PM, Discussion of the Good, Clean Funnies List
<gcfl-discuss at gcfl.net> wrote:

> History 101 (Crash course)
>
> For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
>
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
> would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
> and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
> beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
> catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
>
> 1. Liberals, and
> 2. Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
> agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
> while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
> they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
>
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
> while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
> the Conservative movement.
>
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
> the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
> sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
> movement.
>
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
> known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
> domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
> concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
> conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
> powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
> jackass.
>
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
> wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
> done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
> interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
> testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
> attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywoodand group therapists are
> liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
> fair to make the pitcher also bat.
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
> their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
> construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
> executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally
> anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
> conservatives who want to work for a living.
>
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
> decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
> enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
> Europe when conservatives were coming to America ... They crept in after the
> Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
> nothing.
>
> Here ends today's lesson in world history:
>
> It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
> respond to the above before forwarding it.
>
> jp
>
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