[GCFL-discuss] Judas Asparagus

Tue Feb 3 20:19:57 CST 2009

forwarded by Siarlys
Judas Asparagus 
If you need a laugh today,  this should do it!  
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we
take for granted that  children understand  what we are teaching??? 
Through the eyes of a child: 
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell: 
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me
a light!' and someone did.  Then God made the world. 
He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars. 
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. 
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something. 
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they
said they would have to take a rain check. 
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat. 
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.  
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff. 
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. 
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town. 
After Joshua, came David  He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me. 
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these
was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them. 
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New Testament.  He was born in  Bethlehem in a barn.   (I wish I had been
born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of
fact, I was.") 
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Democrats. 
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas
was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a
great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on
the Mount.  But the Democrats* and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just
washed his hands instead. 
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.

*When I was a child, we learned that the Pharisees criticized Jesus for
associating with sinners and Republicans.
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