[GCFL-discuss] Judas Asparagus

Thu Feb 5 11:54:06 CST 2009

WOW... crazy... Part of me wonders if this was written by an adult... some
of the humor seems a little above a child...
~Lance
On Tue, Feb 3, 2009 at 6:19 PM, Discussion of the Good, Clean Funnies List <
gcfl-discuss at gcfl.net> wrote:

>   forwarded by Siarlys
>
> *Judas Asparagus*
>
>  *If you need a laugh today,  this should do it!  *
>
> **
>
> A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is
> amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take
> for granted that  children *understand  *what we are teaching???
>
> *Through the eyes of a child:*
>
> *The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:*
>
> In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
> darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
> think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!'
> and someone did.  Then God made the world.
>
> He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
> embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed
> God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
> Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
>
> Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
>
> Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
> lived to be like a million or something.
>
> One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
> his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
> some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
> they would have to take a rain check.
>
> After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his
> brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
> pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
>
> Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
> Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
> after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included
> frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
>
> God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
> Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
> covet your neighbor's stuff.
>
> Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
>
> One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
> spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
> town.
>
> After Joshua, came David  He got to be king by killing a giant with a
> slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
> porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
> to me.
>
> After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
> Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
> There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
> worry about them.
>
> After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
> New Testament.  He was born in  Bethlehem in a barn.   (I wish I had been
> born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door!
> Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I
> was.")
>
> During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
> and the *Democrats.*
>
> Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was *Judas Asparagus*.
> Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus
> was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans
> on the Mount.  But the *Democrats** and all those guys put Jesus on trial
> before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed
> his hands instead.
>
> Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
> to Heaven but will be back at the end of the *Aluminum.*  His return is
> foretold in the book of Revolution.
>
>
>
> *When I was a child, we learned that the Pharisees criticized Jesus for
> associating with sinners and Republicans.
>
>
>
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