[GCFL-discuss] God Sues Freedom From Religion Foundation

[Discussion of the Good, Clean Funnies List]

This is dated, but The Door is comatose, and I have to offer it
somewhere:

 
God Sues Freedom From Religion Foundation
reporting by Siarlys Jenkins
 
I AM, also known as The Name Of The Lord, filed suit in federal court for
the western district of Wisconsin against the Freedom From Religion
Foundation, pleading that a recent FFRF lawsuit "conveys to religious
Americans a preference that their freedom to worship should be exercised
in the negative," interferes with constitutionally protected
communication between religious believers and their deity, and "creates a
hostile environment for the deity, who is made to feel as a political
outsider in his own Creation." A separate brief alleges that FFRF's
continuous pattern of lawsuits "adversely affect the ability of the Holy
Spirit to carry out its inspirational mission."
 
Harvard Law School professor Alan Derschowitz, who moonlights as Defense
Attorney to the Rich and Guilty, clarified in an interview for the Public
Broadcasting System that The Lord has not actually filed a lawsuit, but a
Motion to Intervene as an interested party in FFRF's lawsuit against
President George W. Bush and Wisconsin governor James Doyle, Jr., with a
Cross-Complaint against FFRF and its founder, Annie Laurie Gaylor. FFRF
had sued to enjoin the practice of calling for national days of prayer,
which dates back at least to President Zachary Taylor's proclamation
during the cholera outbreak of the 1840s. (Protestant and Roman Catholic
churches, and Jewish synagogues, sponsored prayer services, while the
other half of the population took a holiday to get drunk, patronize
theaters, or go to horse races).
 
The Name is being represented by the law firm of Alexander St. John
Christian Chambliss, an avowed atheist, because Christian legal action
groups such as the Rutherford Institute, Pacific Legal Foundation,
Liberty Counsel, American Center for Law and Justice, as well as law
firms such as Rothgerber, Johnson and Lyons, stoutly refused to submit
the Creator of the Universe to the jurisdiction of a human tribunal.
Chambliss, who prefers to be known by his first name ("You can call me
Al, or you can call me John, or you can call me Chris...") responded to
these concerns in a written statement presented in the first, second and
third person on behalf of his client:

"Come on people, if I could submit myself to death by crucifixion at the
hands of legions of the Roman Empire, to atone for the sins of the world,
surely I can handle an appearance in federal district court to clear my
good Name. Oh ye of little faith; have you forgotten that, whatever the
court decides, its still my call what happens on the third day after
judgment is executed?"
 
Gaylor, caught off guard by the unexpected filing, responded with a
demurrer that "the Movant cannot be heard by this court because there is
no credible evidence that Movant is a natural person, nor reliable
authority as to how many Persons, nor is Movant's alleged existence
acknowledged by any constitutional reference establishing the court's
general jurisdiction." The court, however, ruled that "if this Movant can
be named as a defendant by state senator Ernie Chambers in Douglas County
District Court in Nebraska, he can darn well submit a cross-complaint in
a federal district court in Wisconsin. While reference to Movant was
deliberately omitted from the federal constitution, that appears from
contemporary records to have been an act of humility rather than an
affirmative denial of Movant's existence, which was widely (if diversely)
assumed by most delegates to the Constitutional Convention."
 
Chambliss informed curious reporters that his client has no grudge
against Gaylor, handing out copies of a press release which read in part
"Annie Laurie is My Creation, so I have to accept some responsibility for
any flaws in her character. If I listened to some of the loud-mouthed
jerks who presume to speak in My Name, I wouldn't believe in Me either.
She will not be saved of her own merit, but hey, Simon the Terrorist did
not become Petros by his own merit either. Simon always put himself
first, was the last to catch on to what his Savior was teaching, and as
is well known, he also denied his Lord. I can say without hesitation that
for bonnie Annie Laurie, as for any of the rest of you exasperating
creatures, I would lay me doon and dee.
 
"In fact, I delight in a vision that Ms. Gaylor will spend eternity
exchanging war stories with Lazarus, while Joyce Meyers and Gloria
Copeland beg her to cast a few drops of water on their parched tongues.
The embarrassment of being in that position will be punishment enough for
Annie's sins. And when I have a vision -- just ask John Calvin if there
is any chance it won't happen. I have plenty of Grace to spare for this
beloved daughter of mine. As Shlomo said on one of that arrogant
tax-and-spend king's better days, 'She whom the Lord loveth, he sueth
ardently'."
 
Correspondents for The Final Call, Touchstone, and The Crisis, inquired
what Al thought were his own chances of salvation. "My client has
promised me deferred payment of an unspecified treasure, without any
contingency on whether I win this case or what my merits as an attorney
may be" St. John responded. "It's not exactly a pro bono case, but
somehow I just couldn't refuse to take it on. Who knows, Voltaire may be
right after all."
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