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Roseanne Barr's Stand-up Comedy Date: Sent Tuesday, July 22, 2025 Category: None

Rating: 2.76/5 (25 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess'.

[My husband asks] "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

- From AZquotes.com

Received from Wayne Onaka.