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Welcome Monday, December 5, 2022

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Rules For Living In Austin
Date: Sent Monday, December 5, 2022
Category: None
Rating: 2.41/5 (29 votes)
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/* This one is pretty long, but I'm sure most Austinites will enjoy it. */

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is AWS-tun and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

1a. Guadalupe Street is pronounced "GWAD-uh-loop." Manchaca is pronounced "MAN-shack." Burnet is pronounced "BURN-it." (Don't ask why. No one knows why.) This is the surest way to determine who's been here a while and who hasn't.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own version of traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive long enough to learn them.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Mopac..." 'cause you don't want to get on I-35.

4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.

5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive."

6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue.

8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with a "Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says, "Michael Dell," Dell employees are brain-washed to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, and weep and rock back and forth.

9. Just remember that Mopac IS Highway 1 and Research IS 183. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture in the air is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, a girl applying eyeshadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like ice, snow or "South by Southwest."

11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it.

12. Many bizarre and wonderful sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase, "Oh yeah, we're in Austin."

13. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

14. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

15. Understand that the 95-pound woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest vehicle ever produced) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, then proceed at 2 mph over any railroad track. This vehicle was built to invade small countries, and she's worried about the railroad tracks. Keep in mind that she's also completely unaware of the ends of her vehicle (since they're in different zip codes) and is highly likely to run you off the road while trying to talk on her cell phone. It is safer to try to beat an Amtrak train to the RR crossing than to get in her blind spot.

16. One word: "SUV." Buy one, wash it, cover it with a gold package but whatever you do, don't ever let the tires touch anything but asphalt.

17. The drivers of the above-mentioned SUVs also have a legal right to turn right from a left lane or to turn left from a right lane. These vehicles do not come equipped with turn signals. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

18. White-haired men driving red or silver sports cars must drive at least 20 mph UNDER the speed limit, will not obey any known traffic rule, and cannot be expected to stop for red lights or stop signs. These men will only be in this area until they're made aware of the law that says you must move to Colorado or Florida if you're old but still want to act young. Traffic is bad enough without some fogey slowing everyone down by refusing to go faster than 80 mph.

19. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.

20. Austin natives are so rare that they are listed on the endangered species list. The few remaining specimens are kept in a controlled environment for their own safety.

21. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. You can safely address anyone as "Sir" or "Ma'am" in Austin as in other southern cities unless you're on the Drag. Such talk down there may set off one of the people who live by the mailbox.

22. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Honey." Do not take offense. This is how southerners address grown women.

23. In Austin we drink Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper. It is rumored that other soft drinks are sold here, but no one will admit to knowing anyone who actually drinks them. So don't ask for any other soft drink.

24. If you really want to fit in here, buy a cell phone and learn to drive with your knees while reading the paper.

25. Stay away from the Congress Avenue bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in close vicinity to 750,000 bats.

Received from c.moore.bcp.


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