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Thursday, November 28, 2024 |
Agriculture Subsidy  
Date: Sent Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Category: None | Rating: 4.06/5 (334 votes)
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Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not
raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want
to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good
breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on
them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down
to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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