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Stain-Removal Guide Date: Sent Friday, February 11, 2000 Category: None

Rating: 1.94/5 (121 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains:

Blood-Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink-Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass-Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud-Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Tomato Sauce-Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee-Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine-Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain.

Chewing Gum-Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish-Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "home-crafted" look?

Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/onion3411/stainchart.html)
(Edited by GCFL)

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