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View Funnies Sunday, June 4, 2023

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Some News You Might Have Missed
Date: Sent Thursday, April 23, 1998
Category: None
Rating: 1.97/5 (71 votes)
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Americans Inundated with Too Many Reports, Report Says

A 476 page report issued by the Government Commission on Information Resources and Acronyms (GCIRA) reveals that Americans are now forced to deal with too many reports. The report concludes that "a sheer increase in the percentage of the reduction in the quantity of reports would be beneficial to the population at large. Furthermore, it would also be advantageous for the length of documents to be downgraded significantly through a reduction in the amount of overused verbiage whose only purpose would seem to be to confuse the reader."

President Clinton praised the findings of this study. "This is an excellent report, but we must remember that this is only a beginning. The Government Commission on Information Resources and Acronyms must continue its fine work by conducting more studies and issuing more reports so that we might further understand the complexities of this very real problem. In the meantime, I have created a Special Task Force under Vice President Gore which will explore the ramifications of the suggestions offered by the GCIRA. I very much look forward to reading their report." The President told members of the Washington press corps who were largely asleep.

"Heading this Special Task Force is an excellent opportunity. I look forward to finding a solution so that we may all live in a future that is unburdened by unnecessary paperwork." The Vice President said in a written statement.

Disney Attempts to Buy ESPN

An attempt by the Walt Disney Co. to purchase part of ESPN ran into difficulty yesterday when at the last minute it was determined that Disney already owned half of the sports network. "Well, shoot. I didn't know that." Disney CEO Michael Eisner told reporters. "I knew we owned ABC and all, but I never realized ABC owned ESPN." Privately, he revealed that it was sometimes difficult for him to keep track of all the companies Disney owned.

ESPN President Keith Patrick confirmed that Disney does indeed own half of ESPN. While Patrick says that he thought Disney knew of their ownership, he admits that ESPN has in the past tried to downplay the Disney ownership. "Well, sure, we didn't want those freaky-people [Disney] to know about it. I mean, we just figured they'd make us be happy all the time and put up posters of The Lion King or Hercules or something," he said.

Tracking Device to Help Teenagers

NoRents, Inc. of San Francisco today announced the release of ParentTracker, a small device that will allow teenagers to track the movements of their parents. The device includes a portable monitoring device and small electronic decals. By placing one of the electronic decals, about the size of a small insect, on a parent or on that parent's clothing, the teenager will easily be able to track his or her parent's movements at any given moment. The decals are small enough so that they should go undetected by most parents.

"It's perfect for today's teenager." NoRents CEO Ted Jaffrie said, noting that the device will beep whenever a parent is within a one mile radius of the teenager. "If the teenager's doing something bad or illegal, he or she has plenty of time to stop or get away before the parents arrive," Jaffrie explained.

Teenagers who have reviewed the product so far seem to be impressed. "Dude! It's the bomb!" Fifteen year old Steve Proctor of Great Neck, NY reported. "Aw, it's beeping again. My parents are close. I gotta go, man," he continued.

The monitoring device is expected to cost between $159 and $179. Jaffrie agreed that the cost may place the device out of some teenagers' price range. "But," he added, "those teenagers involved in illegal activities should be able to raise that money quite easily."

Copyright 1997 by Joe Lavin (joe@joelavin.com)

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