|
|
![]() | ![]() |
 |
|
View Funnies |
Tuesday, July 8, 2025 |
Bugs in the House   
Date: Sent Tuesday, June 5, 2001
Category: None | Rating: 3.76/5 (112 votes)
Click a button to cast your vote
|
|
The Cameron Column #143, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com
I don't remember what documents I signed when I got married, but apparently one of them contractually obligates me to "take care of" any insects that
find their way into my house.
When I say "take care of," I don't mean " to nurture." I mean "to get out of bed in the middle of the night because the wife has just spotted a spider
in the bathroom and is shrieking for me to come get rid of it."
None of the three females in my family, which includes two varsity volleyball players and a woman who went through natural childbirth three times, can
do anything about bugs except scream as if they are auditioning for the shower scene in Psycho. This happens the moment they spot the poor creature,
and it means I must stop whatever critical task I'm undertaking, even if I'm in the middle of taking a nap to recover from reading my wife's list of
things I must do for the weekend, and rescue whichever damsel is in distress.
When I arrive on the scene, the screaming doesn't stop; it merely changes direction. "Don't hurt it!" they'll screech, despite the fact that seconds
earlier it sounded as if it was eating them alive. At our house, all bugs are on catch-and-release. I must carefully ensnare them in a tissue and
carry them to the door, flinging them out into the wild -- which may not be safer, but at least spares them from all the yelling.
(My son, the only other human under roof not afraid of these little multi-legged specks of animal, has been barred for life from capturing insects
once it was discovered that he couldn't be bothered with going to the door, and instead just put the things in his pocket.)
Weary of this process, I have attempted to engage my pets in the hunt. I begin with the cat, who watches the activity in the bird feeder with an
intensity bordering on obsession. "Cat, look! A crawling creature. Attack!" I urge her. She wanders over to see what has got me so worked up: a
slow creeping beetle out for a Sunday stroll. The look she gives me is full of contempt.
"It's a bug," she seems to be sneering.
"Yes, but its movement connects directly to the instincts hardwired in your brain. You can't help yourself, you are a carnivore. You must pounce!" I
implore.
"I don't do bugs," she sniffs. "Besides, it appears you're the one who can't help himself. If you find insects so exciting, why don't YOU eat
it?"
"It's getting away!" I shout.
"Oh do be quiet," the cat commands.
Well, okay, I knew that wouldn't work -- the cat believes her role in life is to ignore me. My dog, however, is a different story: I am the master,
she lives only to serve me. "Come!" I shout.
The dog is napping in the sun. I clap my hands, whistle, and yell again. She raises her head and stares at me in disbelief. "You mean me?" she
seems to be saying.
"Now! Come here!" I call. "Walk! Dinner!" I lie, using words I know she understands. She groans heavily and struggles to her feet. "Attack! Bug!"
I proclaim.
The dog looks at me. "This is DINNER?"
I know that dogs are pack animals, so I drop to all fours to initiate a killing frenzy. I growl at the bug, who stops meandering and regards me with
a hurt expression. The dog gapes at all of this, totally baffled.
"Now! Bug! Get it!" I thunder. The dog sniffs at the bug, sneezes on me, and sits down to scratch her ear with a hind leg. "Would you pay
attention!" I complain. "The bug! The bug!"
My pet begins to slide guiltily toward the kitchen to see what else might be on the menu. "No!" I tell her. Upset, she takes another snort of air
over the insect and begins heaving in what I recognize as a precursor to throwing up.
Disgusted, I put both the bug and the dog outside. Later I'll decide which one I'm going to let back in.
This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST include the subscription and copyright information.
To subscribe to The Cameron Column, please send an e-mail message to: TheCameronColumn-On@lists.webvalence.com
For reprint permission, including web sites, please write Bruce@wbrucecameron.com
|
