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Thursday, August 28, 2025 |
Rooney, Andy not Mickey  
Date: Sent Wednesday, December 5, 2001
Category: None | Rating: 4.13/5 (142 votes)
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/* This one is slightly on the edge, but it got the nod from the editors, so here it is. I have to admit I'm still laughing at the third one... Have
a great day! */
Andy Rooney On.....
Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for
me? Thank You."
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they
mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Pregnancy:
Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there.
Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my...give me your hand...It wont be long now...
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90
cents to call up and vote... Why they're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!
(Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I
hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep." Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test
is back. Stop sharing the love.
Received from Leon Taylor.
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