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Wednesday, August 20, 2025 |
THE SWEET SCIENCE OF VALENTINE GIFTS   
Date: Sent Tuesday, February 12, 2002
Category: None | Rating: 2.43/5 (86 votes)
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By Rick Steelhammer (February 6, 2000)
Copyright 2000 Sunday Gazette-Mail
I realized Valentine's Day was rapidly approaching when my shopping cart collided with a rack of boxer shorts decorated with dancing hearts and
open-armed teddy bears while making the rounds at my neighborhood all-night discount store.
Figuring out what to buy for Valentine's Day has always been a problem for me. Deciding what not to buy is easier, as in the case of the festive
holiday boxers, but doesn't solve the initial problem.
Consultations with a variety of Web sites showed me that there is no shortage of gift ideas out there, but I'm still hard-pressed to decide what to
get. I've narrowed it down to something between a $250,000 Neiman-Marcus/Nature Conservancy offer to donate a scenic, ecologically important parcel
of land in my significant other's name to Wal-Mart's Valentine's suggestion of a Remington nose and ear hair trimmer, which lists for $9.96.
I'm hoping to avoid joining the ranks of thousands of other guys who find themselves desperately cruising the all-night groceries, truck stops and
convenience stores on the wee hours of Feb. 14, looking for a gift that won't disappoint their sweethearts. (Hint: An off-color card and a jumbo
Snicker bar probably won't make it.) But you can go crazy finding the perfect gift.
Actually, losing your head is nothing new when it comes to Valentine's Day.
Contrary to popular male legend, the holiday was not the brainstorm of the greeting card industry, but a tribute to Valentinus, a bishop of Rome in
269. Valentinus ignored an edict by Emperor Claudius forbidding Roman soldiers from marriage, to prevent them from leaving the army for family life.
Valentinus was discovered presiding over secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers and their women and imprisoned. While in jail, he miraculously
restored the sight of a blind girl. According to the legend, just before he was beheaded on Feb. 14, 269, he sent the girl a note signed "From your
Valentine."
The rest, as they say, is history -- though I have a little trouble understanding how a tribute to a beheaded martyr has evolved into an observance
marked by the exchange of chocolate-covered cherries and heart-festooned underpants.
Even the rounded, triangular-shaped design used to depict the heart bears little resemblance to the pump that distributes blood through the
Valentine-buying public. Fact is, it much more closely resembles the prostate gland, which middle-aged males like me worry about at least as much as
our hearts.
But there's little chance that we'll see Valentine greeting cards with copy like this:
"Be with me, love
Come hold my hand
I feel your presence
In my prostate gland."
Received from Keith Sullivan.
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