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Steven Wright Flood Date: Sent Thursday, August 31, 2006 Category: None

Rating: 3.66/5 (460 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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Following are by Steven Wright, source: http://meer.net/~mtoy/steven_wright.html

In case you've never seen him, Steven Wright is a standup comedian who delivers all his jokes as a series of absolutely dead pan, no expression statements. So imagine these statements being made in a quiet, almost monotone delivery ...

(Ad he did for a local student radio station): Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

I bought a house on a one-way, dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this... (FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I have a map of the United States .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I lost a button hole today.

I met her at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said, "Oops."

Received from WestiMom.