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Steven Wright Flood (part 2) Date: Sent Friday, September 1, 2006 Category: None

Rating: 3.26/5 (343 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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Following are by Steven Wright, source: http://meer.net/~mtoy/steven_wright.html

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eyeglasses ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark til he was eight years old.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "The whole time."

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, "Where do you live?..." I said, "Right here..." Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside and told all of the cars to get out of my driveway.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

What's another word for thesaurus?

When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually...

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Received from WestiMom.