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Saturday, November 23, 2024 |
Martha Stewart Christmas Wish   
Date: Sent Monday, December 22, 2008
Category: None | Rating: 2.25/5 (440 votes)
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Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers, or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing,
and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside
just thinking about it.
Don't grant this wish just for me -- do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to
us all.
Those of us leading average, garden-variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match
when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style, for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold, unless it's of the
furniture polish variety.
We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with
it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush, you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's ordered it only once), she also refuses to eat it cold. When it was pointed out
that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That
lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared
undesirable by Queen Martha. What's next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put
away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not
just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such
frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the twenty-first century," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain
removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the
evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl
sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright, and
Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: After she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha said, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they
were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. (Or maybe, on second thought....)
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs and to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This
confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show
off.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It
didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You
should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held
back.
"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web page on the Internet,
Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You
probably want to smack her yourself.
Received from Just For Fun.
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