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Wednesday, May 14, 2025 |
Tax Time   
Date: Sent Thursday, April 15, 1999
Category: None | Rating: 1.71/5 (133 votes)
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TOP THAT
Stephen Sprenger, who owns the H&R Block on Denny Way [Seattle], says it's that time of year: the time for ceiling deductions. Ceiling
deductions?
Sprenger says, "You ask how many miles the client drove and he looks at the ceiling and says, 'About 8,000.'"
Jean Godden, The Seattle Times
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TAX SHELTERS
"The laws providing tax shelters reflect the strong philosophical commitment of the Founding Fathers, particularly Alexander Hamilton, to the
principle that the public good would be served if dentists owned cattle ranches." --Calvin Trillin, on United States tax law and evasion.
CFrank@wrf.com
Quote of the Day
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CHECK THIS BOX
"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away." --Tom Lehrer, 4/4/90
Marcel Hendrix [rec.humor]
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ONE WEEK TO DIG YOUR FOXHOLE ER, LOOPHOLE
By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, April 8, 1999
If you have not yet filed your tax return, there is still plenty of time to form an anti-government militia. Just be sure to register your militia by
April 15, so you can get a tax-exempt number.
Larry Erdmann, Kelly Clark and I formed our militia last week. Although a closely guarded secret, the new group is called IMNU, short for "It's Mine,
Not Urs." We know it's not grammatically correct, but Larry thought it needed another vowel.
All government agents listen carefully. IMNU has only one demand: Leave us alone or we will be forced to go to a federal prison. We are not playing
games.
Actually, IMNU was Larry's idea for avoiding taxes. Mine and Kelly's was to apply for Brazilian citizenship. That was before we found out that air
fare to Rio cost way more than we owe.
This, of course, was after we gave up on the church idea. When it comes to not paying taxes, a church is the way to go. Kelly and I founded the Church
of The Holy Me First, but then we got into a fist fight over who was going to be the leader.
Our final cunning plan is to testify against Larry in exchange for partial immunity.
For those of you with little talent in seeking out such loopholes, personal tax returns are due on April 15. Cough it up. The government needs the
money to buy more bombs.
Business owners are out of luck. Corporate tax returns were due March 15. The one exception to this deadline being Microsoft, which pays no corporate
taxes because the Internal Revenue Service is just one of its many subsidiaries.
There are a lot of changes to the 1998 tax laws. Unfortunately, Y2K is not one of them. This means the computers at the main IRS office, located deep
in the bowels of the Earth, are still working well enough to print out a federal indictment with your name on it.
This is not to say that a global computer crash will get you entirely off the hook. After Y2K, all taxes will be paid in kind. Food, gold, livestock,
one of your legs...
Fortunately, the most prominent changes to your '98 taxes are easy to understand. First, Mike Tyson is back in jail. If having him as a bunk buddy
would pose a problem for you, simply check Line 6345.2(a) on page 81 of your return.
Another great change in the tax laws is that IRS agents may no longer impersonate ecclesiastical leaders as a way of finding out if you cheated on
your return. This is a direct outcome of the highly controversial decision by the Supreme Court in U.S. vs. God.
Third is the new tax credit for kids. You get a $400 credit for each dependent child in your family who will be under the age of 17 on Dec. 31, 1999,
except, of course for children born under the astrological signs of Virgo, Gemini, Habeas and Corpus.
As most of my kids are grown, this particular change came too late for me. In fact, 1999 is the last year I will be able to qualify for a tax credit.
Big deal. Four-hundred bucks should just about cover my daughter's Vomit Monkey concert tickets.
The tax credit is good news for my neighbors, the Jacobsens. They have so many children (108) that the government doesn't know what to do. The IRS
came to them looking to cut a deal. Instead of a cash refund this year, Gary and Anna get New Mexico and a Stealth fighter.
The important thing is to remember to make your decision by April 15. You have seven days to decide whether to join IMNU, or roll over and pay
up.
Robert Kirby welcomes e-mail at dark@slckrck.com.
Copyright 1999, The Salt Lake Tribune (http://www.sltrib.com/)
Received from Keith's Weird and Mostly Clean List.
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