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The First Church of Football Date: Sent Tuesday, February 24, 2004 Category: None

Rating: 2.40/5 (98 votes) Click a button to cast your vote

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In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.

COMMERCIAL: Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).

PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience. 2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction. 2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

RAIN DELAY: Baptism

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.

TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat. 2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

PASS: When the new couple says no.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.